Slow Processing Speed?

Hello guys! I wrote a poem about my struggle of what seemingly is called Slow Processing Speed. Caution that I haven’t been formally diagnosed yet, but I can highly relate to its symptoms based on the information I’ve researched. Here I journaled down my experience and struggle through a poem below.

Background: As an adult, slow processing speed condition puts me on and off with the imposter syndrome, anxiety, shutdowns, and some periods of depression. This is the most hopeless realization in my life as a 22-year-old. No past periods that I actually come to actualize this as a thing so evident. Growing up I’ve always felt like something is wrong with me although I was confident and empowered of my achievements and the fine-enough grades through high school and halfway in my undergraduate study. My family has always been so supportive and put great faith in my ability even when I don't believe in myself.

Until now that I know what it is. It’s not like it shall make me at point zero for the rest of my life, but it feels as if it does. Because living with slow processing speed results in being slow at most of the things that I do. That’s why I do not excel in group work with splashing out ideas or reacting the right responses or solutions in the given time. This makes myself feel like a blockhead all the time.

Although I read that slow processing speed or thinking process doesn’t factor anyone’s true intelligence, I still feel that I am so uncapable and stupid. Nowadays I try to stay on the safe side, and I do want to venture into any new experiences or my wishes due to an impossible-to-achieve mindset towards them. If I were to venture, that’d mean that I shall endure months and years of looking like a fool and a need of enormous determination to not give up! That would take so much mental strength and breakdowns.

Poem Title: "Lost"

A shadow of an imposter for my own seemingly smart achievements

 All my versions in align per this agreement

Should the shortfalls be considered decent

For a person born this way

Well, one can defeat nor defeat this

I can win nor win this

But I will get luck by believing, not giving up, and experimenting

Opposed to the perceived strength, I am navigating out of this path

So my life and I are a dramatic and loser, period

Self-esteem is damaged

Dreams are now hopeless

Even if dreams came true

A genuine imposter would lie in the heart

The syndrome is more than a change of belief

It is the truth for a person trying to be more than who she/he is

It isn’t a fake it until you make it

It is being slow than most

The frustration of a blank brain in even simple daily activities

It is fusion of under-confidence, laziness, and slow-to-respond

 The zero ideas generated in work/social settings

Brain feels foggy, mind feels lacking intelligence

Burnout and hopeless at the end of the day

Somehow, Caffeine makes my life better in sulking with doing work so focused

And of course, slowly

Surely my slow work guarantees quality

Which all my life, I’ve fed off this quality of mine

But one will be surprised to encounter me as a person

With my unorganized vocabularies if to story-tell, present, or answer questions

Making a fool of myself

If to facilitate or lead, mind will scatter

Unable to pick one thing efficient

Unable to grasp

Coping mechanisms are staying in comfort zone, drinking when I afford to, and constant shutdowns

My toxic habit is to disappear and not responding

One could dramatize so much about his/her situation and not taking action

So am I, as told in this poem

Why shall I ever feel happy and confident in any place/activity

If every activity is a constant struggle

When I feel the world, normal or gifted people can process and think of ideas

While I cannot generate anything 

How does it feel to not catch up in this fast-paced world

Feeling of Alienation is everyday-conspicuous

You’re scared of most things, people, and places

You can well mask Social Anxiety

Until the dumb version creeps in during intelligent conversations or group works

Leaving you feeling stupid, guilty, and like an imposter

Then you turn empowered-less and the cycle gives you anxiety on and on

And you shut down

Voila, your true self is exposed

Oh my worst fear

~End~